Ancient Swiss secret to a classless society?

or village warfare ala Switzerland?

The Swiss are, historically, a rather neutral breed of people.
Or? (This is where I miss the German word ‘doch!’ in English.
It’s such a simple, and more elegant way of saying
‘I-totally-disagree-and-think-you’d-better-re-look-your-assumptions-immediately!’

Doch! Doch! (It rhymes with Scottish ‘loch’!)

If we can steal ‘zeitgeist’ and ‘kindergarten’ why can’t we
just steal ‘doch!’ while we’re at it? English speakers the world
over are totally deprived without this word. Maybe we should
send a petition to Oxford or the queen or whoever…and claim it
as ours. Just as our forefathers claimed Africa, Asia, America,
Australia…tea, hot chips…and the French bad habit of spelling
words totally unlike the way they’re actually pronounced.)

I run away with myself as usual. We were talking about Swiss
neutrality.
‘Level-headedness’ and all that. Well, I’ve been pondering
another possibility since yesterday when some new, rather noisy,
yet typically Swiss neighbours were deposited on my doorstep
just before sunset. They are both black and white so there’s no
racism involved here, if that’s what you’re thinking. The only
problem with them as far as I can tell is that they are each
wearing nothing at all except a rather large bell!

Before I continue with this story, let me ask you a rather
personal question.
Have you ever actually ‘experienced’ a Swiss cowbell close up
and with naked ears? This is a sound that can pierce armour, and
(at 2 am particularly) can cut through Swiss quality double
glazed windows like a hot knife to butter.

Actually I think that there’s a lot more to this sound than
meets the ear drum. It’s a secret weapon. A sound so piercing
that it has the power to domesticate virtually anything. I
swear, hang one of those things around Bush’s neck and you’ll
have a lamb in a few hours.

After all, have you ever really stopped to wonder what cowbells
are really for? Getting found in the fog when you’re always
neatly hemmed and tucked in for the night with an electric chord
for blanket? Come on!

I think I’ve just stumbled across an ancient Swiss secret; their
centuries old tried and tested farm style recipe for a
classless, peaceful democracy.

It’s all done with cowbells! That’s what these things are really
for. They’re designed to neutralize brainwaves, short circuit  
sensitive circuitry  and domesticate foreigners,
 or any neighbours who might be getting just a little
too uppity. 

It is called 'leveling the playing fields' or ‘integration by ear’
(something similar to ‘parking by ear’ maybe) or is it ‘disintegration by ear’?
Anyway, it has about the same effect as a frontal lobotomy.

Now you know why everyone smiles here all the time!

Say cheese!


© Jena Griffiths